Here’s an entry from my journal (from when I came back to the Lord last year) that possibly could maybe help someone out there, who is hurting like I was for so long:
**Disclaimer: Although I thought at the time that if I died in the middle of my darkness, I would not be saved, I now believe that to be a complete lie. However, God works all things to the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. So, me believing that lie kept me from the edge of the cliff on more than one occasion. So many times I wanted to go over, but I know now that it was not God that was telling me that I would be sent into the abyss (Hell), but rather, it was a lie of Satan. Once I was sealed with the Holy Spirit, I was made His, and He will not lose any of those that He saves.
When my soul feels troubled,
When I’m lost and all alone–
Though there may be a crowd around,
In my soul I feel empty.
I now know why.
I had lost sight of my first Love,
I walked down into the night.
I no longer felt I had hope-
but now–now, I know why.
My heart was overburdened,
with guilt and anguish and pain.
Because I had lost focus-
Of my first True Love again.
You see, it was all about me–
and what I had done.
A deserter, a pride-filled woman.
But You know all along.
Oh, my God, my Lord, my Spirit–
You rescued me in the nick of time!
You poured out Your favor,
You grabbed me in Your mercy.
You pulled me from the fire–
A love so Divine.
Not another did I need
to rescue my wandering soul.
No, it was You who prodded
me back to a life in You.
Although my heart
cried all day and night–
You were there all along,
Keeping me in the palm of Your hand.
Lord God, I need You.
More now than ever before.
For I see the way of my folly–
And myself I can trust no more.
You’ve taught me by Your gentleness
And let me rebel in my childish ways.
But You held me so close,
Never leaving my side.
Though I could not feel You,
You held my heart all along.
You freely gave grace,
You freely poured out Your mercy.
Your lovingkindness is true–
Your faithfulness is unfaltering.
My love has failed You,
My faithfulness too.
But You restore the brokenhearted,
You give grace to the humble.
You lift up those that are hurting,
When they finally turn back to You.
Your faithfulness is unending
Your love beyond compare
For what could I do,
All I had was despair.
I could do nothing, you see.
Oh men, why do we run?
Turn your hearts back to Heaven
and hear from His Throne.
I had thought to bring calamity upon myself–
since the pain seemed unending.
“But what good would that do?” You had spoken into my heart.
“For surely there you will perish–why not give it one more try?”
But my heart was so calloused,
So bruised and so stained.
I argued and said “but You won’t bring me back again.”
But the Spirit inside me would just not give up.
I begged and I pleaded for my heart to be restored.
“Give me a clean heart, Oh, God” I cried out–
Though I thought it was in vain.
“Remove the callouses layering my rock-hard heart.
“Break me in pieces, You’ve done it before,” I pleaded,
With a little more belief than before.
“Help me come back to You, my Love, my first True Love.”
“Make my heart clay again–
and mold me into Your beloved.
“Help me see again–as my eyes have gone blind.”
Slowly and surely,
You began to reveal
That I was still Yours.
My heart was so hard, but I came willingly to Your throne.
I begged, I pleaded
For You to be my own once again.
I needed Your mercy and Your love.
Your compassion, Your Grace,
and all good things from above.
It took perseverance–
and I wanted to give up.
But this thread was still attached.
Sometimes I felt it, other times not.
The doubts would overwhelm me,
the fears crept out in the morning.
I went about my day,
My soul lost wandering.
Trying desperately to relieve
the pain that kept growing.
The lost, the lonely, the insolent.
I would try to break the monotony of everyday life–
Building, creating, doing.
But not giving freely as You had taught me to do.
The pain was sidetracked momentarily–
but kept coming and coming back.
Those thoughts of calamity would come again.
“But what good would it do you,” You’d say again.
“Give Me a chance to heal You, to give you rest.”
Picking up a habit, I pushed You away, saying
“I can never be forgiven–what I did was too great.
I wish I could, but this pain is just too real.”
But somehow You managed
to keep my interest alive.
Though I went out and tried for forget the pain,
You kept whispering to me.
Those things I did left me feeling worthless-
More miserable than before.
The love I’d known for You
kept drowning in those lies and misery.
My heart was so calloused,
I couldn’t even breathe.
My bitterness had robbed me of the joy You gave.
But I would cry out to You every day–
although not a faithful prayer.
But there was something I tried to hold onto–
that Hope I couldn’t see.
My heart just couldn’t let go.
Leaning on my own understanding,
I’d fallen with a crash.
Though it may have been silent,
as my heart cried out from within.
I kept up appearances,
I tried to gain approval from the world around me.
But it was so lonely,
Not one knowing the true pain inside.
Not one, but You, God.
Oh, my Heavenly Father!
You reminded me of the past,
of the Love that I had for You.
You reminded me over and over again
of the joy You had filled in me.
I took it as a punishment,
instead of being courageous.
I cried rivers,
thinking of Essau’s story.
I tried to make myself happy
for the time I had left on this earth.
Thought of money, of power,
of people who I could impress.
But every thought was empty–
the hope I once had could never be replaced
by things of this earth.
In kindness and mercy,
You patiently waited.
And called once again to my calloused heart.
You brought me Your Word.
Through perseverance I listened.
As hard as it was, to hear what You might say.
“Lean on my knowledge” You quietly replied.
“And you will learn.”
So I kept playing sermon after sermon
from only Your Faithful, lest I be deterred.
The fear began to fade,
and my eyes began to open.
Your love, You showed,
through those that had ministered to me
in the early days of my devotion.
I wanted more, and I kept listening.
Through tears and more tissue, I listened at work.
I fasted and prayed,
and kept asking for direction.
“Nothing can compare to the love I once had.
“Nothing can replace You,
“the love I’d walked away from.”
“Keep listening, My child, I have something for you.”
And with determination, I did.
You used this week to minister to my soul,
to show me from the beginning
Where my love had grown cold
and my joy went missing.
You sent me encouragement
from Your men of past and present,
men of God, with the One True Faith.
You gave me courage
To try again
You gave me strength
to fight from within.
The devil came at me,
when he knew Your face i was seeking.
He tried to grab hold, a few more times.
But I kept refusing–
only by Your Sovereign hand
could I withstand.
I cried and I prayed,
and I called out to You
“Please restore me to the me You once knew.”
As the days went by, I could hardly wait.
To get to a place and hear Your Word proclaimed!
You stirred in my heart,
You used the ones I trusted to deliver Your Truth.
Hour by Hour, and then some more,
I played sermon after sermon, until sleep I could put off no more.
I’d wake and slowly begin to think of the day before.
The lies kept at me, “Don’t listen anymore.”
But the yearning in my heart was undeniable!
You, Your word and communion
I had missed so deeply!
“I have to know”, I said to myself.
“To keep trying or to give up now.”
I didn’t want to give up,
and I told You so.
I confided my fears to You alone.
You urged me to continue
I thought “why not”.
Even if Your Word is not what I wanted to hear,
I needed Your Truth.
I needed to know, “is it too late?”
My heart cried out “Can I go back again?”
My heart was anxious,
but I asked for reassurance.
I didn’t exactly hear You, but it was evident.
I needed to keep listening. To press on.
Whether in the end, I got the confirmation that I should just quit,
or whether You said it was not too late, I needed to know–now.
I just couldn’t keep waiting.
Pastor Youssef told me about his journey, and Pastor Rogers spoke of stirring my own heart to find You. Ms Hunt counseled me through another one’s trials. Pastor Stanley gave me the courage to stand back up. Pastor Ravi’s words were encouraging to an empty, wounded heart. And there were others I now know better, who helped me find the strength to keep going. Pastor Laurie, Pastor Schreve. And so many others had words of encouragement and healing to my self-inflicted wounds.
Thank You, Father, for arranging this week! Sermons of David, and hope for my heart. Psalm 51 had been my cry for two years, but it was even more so this week. And thanks, Lord, for Dr. David Jeremiah, for the words You spoke into my heart. I will never look at Psalm 23 the same again!
What beauty and grace You have bestowed–what mercy You gave to my wandering heart. Pastor Swindoll gave me words of strength, of faith, to hold on. Thank You, Almighty God! My Deliverer!!
Father, thank You for the ways which You brought everything together this week. Thank You for reaching to my weary heart and lifting my down-trodden spirit. Holy Spirit, thank You for being my comforter–and I know You will be with me always, especially in the hours to come. For I know, You, Almighty God, have saved me, and I know that I am Yours! Lord Jesus, Thank You for protecting me and guiding me back and calming the raging storms! Thank You that You shed Your blood on the cross for my transgressions and my inequities. Thank You, God Almighty, for never giving up on me! Please hold me in Your arms and give rest to my fears. Please guard my heart with Your understanding, with Your lovingkindness. Oh, my Lord, I want to follow You and be obedient to Your command. You are my fortress, and within You I am secure. Please direct my steps, and quell my fears. Hold me tight, and comfort me and uplift me. You are my God–whom shall I fear?!
Hosea 6 New American Standard Bible (NASB)
The Response to God’s Rebuke
6 “Come, let us return to the Lord.
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has [a]wounded us, but He will bandage us.
2 “He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him.
3 “So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord.
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth.”