Darkness vs Light

Do I get it right every day? No.  There are days that I am stuck in my own world, feeling isolated and depressed and alone.  These are the days that I prefer no one to speak to me.  These are the days that I prefer to be in my dark corner of the world, rather than let the Light in and let Him shine.  Sometimes these days turn into weeks.  Sometimes they turn into months.  And they have before, turned into years. 

The darkness can never win, though.  The Light will always find its way through the broken cracks of my life.  Sometimes the cracks get bigger, and it seems like the light is gone forever.  Minutes, hours, days, weeks pass without a single burst of light through those cracks that have all but obliterated the soul.

Months go by, and I start contemplating taking what is still left standing in the darkness and just pushing it over, too.  Making it topple to the earth and crash into a million shattered pieces, never to be put back together again.

But something inside stops me every time.  That golden thread that links me back to the Source of Light—it catches my wrists, like a dog on the end of its chain.  Like the angel of the Lord that came when Abraham was about to slay his son Isaac.

That moment right before all is lost, something happens.  There is a catch. A hitch in the plan.  I can’t help but think it’s the power of the Holy Spirit.  In fact, I know it is.  When I get to that desperate place, that lost and lonely and isolated place—full of anger and hurt and bitterness and betrayal, and I feel like walking away from the One who gave His all for me—He stops me.

Dead in my tracks, I can’t move.

Does the darkness let up?  No.  Not always.  Does the Light burst forth in glorious rays?  Hmm, not usually.  Not right away.  But I know that I have gotten to the end of “my chain”, because something is tugging at me to come back.  To center myself again.  To focus again.  To love again.  To feel again.

Some-thing?  Well, Some One.  Holy Spirit, God’s Spirit dwelling within me.  He chooses to stop me before I have that walk-away forever moment.  He chooses to remind me of what my life was like before Him.  He chooses to put my song—my song that He gave to me, in my path, to make me stop dead in my tracks and listen.  Come Thou Fount.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee:
prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart, O take and seal it;
seal it for thy courts above.

He chose me from the foundations of this world, and He keeps on choosing to keep me from walking out and turning my back completely on Him.  My heart speaks to me in those moments, as my hand reaches out to push over what’s left of this once-beautiful vase that He created, now riddled with cracks from the top to the bottom.  If anyone blew on it, it would likely fall over.  But something—no, some One keeps holding it together.  Some One keeps me from pushing it over, off the cliff, into the ocean, and letting it be swept out to sea.

He stops me, He reminds me of the love that I had searched for all my life, and never found until I met Him.  He gives me a sense of the hope that it can again return to the way it used to be.  He reassures me that He is my Father and that He loves me.  And though I may not realize it in that moment, it won’t be long before I begin to realize, yet once again, that He won’t let me drift so far that I can never find my way back to Him again.

Though stubbornness may prevail for a short period of time, it will never win.  Finally I will find myself falling before Him, crying out to Him, listening for His voice and waiting for His soothing love to surround me and melt my heart within.

And it’s in those moments I can’t help but think someone is praying for me.  What a blessing it is to have a whole entire family that covers the globe, that prays for the endurance of the saints…of each other. A family around the globe that prays for you and me, as this world around us gets colder and darker.

But even more than that?  Jesus is interceding for us—for me, and for you, right now so that our faith does not fail.  Though sometimes it feels like it has, Jesus will not lose one single soul that the Father has given to Him.  He will intercede on our behalf, and He won’t relent.  We are His, we are God’s children, if we have been reborn of the Spirit within.  He will not lose one of His sheep.

It’s in those moments that I realize the weights are lifting, the darkness is turning to light—even if it be ever so gradual, that I have a mission.  Still.  I was put here for a purpose.

I may fail God on a daily basis—but when I awake from this darkness, I find myself wanting to press in, to press on, to push further and to keep enduring till the end.  When I find His love overwhelming me once again, I realize just what I am called to go and do—to love others.

Without that love infiltrating every part of me, I am not able to love those around me.  I find strength as I wait upon Him and I find myself wanting to go and share the love that He so freely gives to me—over and over and over again.  Even though I am the least deserving of all for the way I have shunned and pushed Him away, reveling in my rebelliousness and darkness that I know so well.

But when I come back to Him, I begin feeling the warmth of His Light upon me, and I begin to see small evidences of the Son starting to break through and shine forth from the cracks in that broken vessel sitting high upon that Rock.

The love that He envelopes me with is too much to contain, and I have to press on to share it with others—others, who like me, know that darkness all too well.

1 Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount I’m fixed upon it
mount of God’s redeeming love.

2 Here I find my greatest treasure;
hither by thy help I’ve come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
bought me with his precious blood.

3 Oh, to grace how great a debtor
daily I’m constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee:
prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here’s my heart, O take and seal it;
seal it for thy courts above. 

 

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