Retracing my walk

So, I take lots of notes–Sunday school, church, home group, and my Celebrate Recovery group–and any other class or event that I happen to go to.  I’m not much of an organized person, so everything just ends up in one notebook. I figured it would be better like that anyways, I just put the date at the top and move forward. When it fills up, I get another one.

It’s been awhile since I went through my notes to see how God has been working. I’d been thinking I needed to, but when my dear dear friend suggested that a couple of weeks ago, it stuck with me.

Last night, something I was reading triggered a memory of something that someone said in previous months–and with my memory like it is, I figured ‘why not go back and look for it’ in my notebook. I started flipping back, and some of the discoveries were just so awesome I had to share one of them.

God has been telling me things over the past few *months* that have lined up with everything I’ve been learning over the past few —-*weeks*.

Yeah, if you know me, you already know how stubborn I am. But I’ll stop here and say, “don’t feel alone”, because it takes lots of work for Him to get through to me too!!

But, besides that–I saw *that prayer*.  Yeah, *that* one. 

Immediately, I knew He had answered it–and I was ever so grateful! šŸ™‚ I’m glad that I was looking *back* at it, after I’d already passed through the hardest part (yet) of this storm. 

Yeah, you guessed it. I either prayed for humbleness or patience.  Maybe I prayed for both, I’m not sure. But I did pray for humbleness.  One of those things that any Christian will tell you “don’t pray for that!”. But you know what? I’m so glad I did! Cause He’s been working on that one over the past few months, let me tell you! And, I’m grateful, because He never let me lose site of the fact that He was pruning me and shaping me for His glory.

It all started when I realized how puffed up I was getting, thinking that my things were better than other people’s. Namely, my car.

Now, not that my car was the nicest either–not that it was some corvette or mustang or whatever you might automatically think of when I say that.  Not at all. 

It was a badly hail-damaged (paid almost completely off by God), SUV-station wagon type car that my Mom had found me at the perfect price when my last one had been totaled. (Hmm, maybe this pride thing has gone on longer than I thought…). *introspective look*

I had paid off the first half with the insurance money, and then it hailed just a few short months later.. And I was actually grateful for the hail damage-as

1) I was not even observant enough to notice it for about a month (yes I was driving it daily, too, lol), and

2) it practically paid off the other half of my car. Even with the hail damage that could be seen across the parking lot, I still thought “I was something else!” I mean, even though it wasn’t exactly an SUV, it was the closest I’d ever gotten to one, and I sure felt proud! Plus it had power windows and locks and the whole shebang!

I began to notice this pride toward the end of last year or beginning of this year. (Yeah, something the Holy Spirit brought to my attention I’m sure–who is going to notice that on their own?)

But in my refusal to deal with it, I actually began to get more prideful. And I didn’t like that either. But I couldn’t stop–not on my own. I tried. I wanted to. But I was just not able to. So, I prayed about it–and I know me, i just know I was thinking “oh what could it hurt, really?”.

Arrogance? Totally, yeah.

But I also know that part of that was truly a heart of “whatever He does, will be for His Glory, and I know that He will provide for me through it all”– finalized by an “I will just have to lean into Him really hard” statement to myself in my head.

But that whole leaning thing–yeah that’s pride and arrogance too. Because when you go through the storm, sometimes it’s very hard to lean on Him instead of going about it your own way.

So, it was after the rush of the holidays and I had already put in my notice at my second job that I wouldn’t be returning–at least for awhile. I needed a break. One day on the way home (in the ice), I came downhill and ended up T-boning a pickup.

Nice.

Instantly totaled.

I was able to drive it home, a whole block away, but it just wasn’t safe to drive it with the airbag hanging out and the seatbelt cutting my circulation off…. Plus the whole front end corner was just a—wreck. It looked horrible!!!

Notice, “looked horrible”. That was all I could think of-how my beautiful SUV (station wagon) was all torn up. And, since I’d chosen to pay off my car instead of fix it from the hail that God provided–I couldn’t turn it into insurance, because I’d dropped my insurance down to liability. At least that paid for the other guys’ damage–grateful for that!

But now what was I going to do?! I couldn’t be seen driving this ugly thing—oh how my pride was hurt!! How cut to the bone I was. I wouldn’t leave my house. I didn’t go to work the next day–or the next. I stayed home and pouted.

The Christian response? No. But I was being stubborn (imagine that–it’s hard I know!! ……I’ll give you a minute to catch up with me after that mind-taxing exercise……) and I didn’t want to be seen in my wrecked car.

I spent part of the day calling around and telling the body shops what damage had been caused. I even took it to one, who was going to use after market parts, and it was still going to cost more than it was worth to fix it. I just didn’t have it.

So, plan B. Scrap the whole car (my pride and joy) and get something–whatever I could find–for whatever I could get out of the scrap money. Which wouldn’t be much–but I had had cars before that I’d gotten for cheap and ran great–in fact, that’s what got totaled and caused me to get my SUV (okay I’m still calling it that-even though it was a station wagon, truly).

My pride? Yeah, it took me about a day to swallow that huge chunk. I didn’t tell hardly anyone that I’d even wrecked it. Much less that I was going to have to scrap it and buy something not-so-great.

It totally took God to even allow me to come to grips with what had happened, much less that i was going to have to get rid of my car. I prayed about this, and I just felt in my spirit confirmation that was exactly what I needed to do. I had tried every other avenue I could think of—but nothing was going to work and nothing was more feasible for me than to just get something cheap. Now, the hard part of figuring that part out.

I started this whole searching for a car thing all on my own-for a whole day-and was coming up short everywhere I turned. I was stressed, i was angry at myself, I was bitter. I felt like a complete, utter failure.

Then, it finally hit me (Holy Spirit, thank You!) to pray about it, and I did, and instantly I had peace. I realized that He was going to provide something. All I had to do was have my eyes open. I asked Him to provide me with the perfect car–I think i even asked that it have low miles so I could drive it for awhile.

No sooner than I started my hunt after that prayer that I laid eyes on a craigslist post meant specifically for me. I knew in my spirit that was my car. I emailed the guy and got off the computer. I was done looking. There was a couple others that I emailed too, but I still knew this would be the one.

One of the other ones wrote back and I think theirs had already been sold or something. The other one didn’t ever email back. I wasn’t worried, I knew already.

To wrap the whole story up, (I already wrote about my precious Harley girl in a previous post entitled Provision.), and get to the point of this whole story: I wrote out this prayer on the 25th of February of this year (writing my prayers, though i do on occasion, is not typical for me, but again, the Holy Spirit was obviously leading me to do that, so that last night I could go back and see just how He had worked to answer that prayer.)

On March 4th–yep, exactly 7 days later–I totaled my car.

Albeit to say, it has been quite the experience, patience-testing, trial, and pressing into God that I really needed to draw me closer to Him, and to get rid of this pride that had swelled up in my heart. Now I’m truly humbled, and I’m actually quite proud (in a good way) of my Harley girl. She’s seen her better days, cosmetically, but I doubt she’s ever had an owner that was more proud of her than me.

Lately, He’s been working on other aspects of my pride issues–not associated with material possessions.

[[Pray for me!!]]

Oh, and not for patience or to make me more humble– I don’t think I can take any more right now.

But then again, if it’s all for His Glory….

šŸ™‚

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